last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
