Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
