Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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