Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
