If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
