she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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