The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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