Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
