I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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