I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
