he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
