Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
