So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
