I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
