i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
