I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
