We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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