New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
