Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
