Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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