so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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