Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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