We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
