Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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