Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
he shaved USA in his pubs
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
