You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
True strength comes from lack of pants
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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