he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
