I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
