Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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