I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
