ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Where is the hickey?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
