maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
