I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Randomize
