Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
