Dude my mom stole all your condoms
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
