we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
