Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
be right there i have to get my cape
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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