why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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