Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Two words: blizzard sex
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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