Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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