i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
