I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
