You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
