You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
