i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
