I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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