Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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