if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
