my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
