You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
