I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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